my dream

i love my dreams, cause in them i am with you...

the smell of sharpened pencils..

school started this week! fun, fun.

it's actually not so bad. my only complaint so far is PARKING. oh my word, it's ridiculous! but that's nothing new at forsyth tech. i'm taking 6 classes this semester, and i'm hoping i'll be able to keep up.

i got my 4 wisdom teeth cut out last week....it was pretty bad. i'm still having a few issues but at least i don't look like a chipmunk anymore.

the twins have been sick this week with fevers, coughs, and vomiting. poor babies! but they were feeling some better today, thank the Lord. but, sadly i have a sore throat now. we are not surprised! i always get sick.

and that's pretty much it these days.

ohhh wait...i forgot! this guy i used to absolutely love back in the day (still have a spot in my heart for him) when i was into lots of bad stuff contacted me recently. end of the story is he was trying to be all friendly with me which blew me away and gave me all kids of mixed feelings..and then he told me it was only because he wanted drugs and didn't know if i could get him some. and then apologized for not thinking of my feelings. WOW, THANKS A LOT! i feel super special now butthole!

the end.

i feel empty.

there are moments in your life when you have everything well put together...then there are times like these!

i have no idea what's going on anymore. i feel like different things fall apart everyday and i can't keep up to save my life! my brain has been on overload now for years (i say that as if i'm an old woman, ha, i'm only 20. how sad). i'm doing what i can for now, and i hope it get's better, i really do!!

i miss you, but i don't.

I don’t want to see you or feel you. I don’t want to look into your eyes. I don’t want to touch you or miss you. I just want to love your memory tonight. I can’t handle all this pain. Why we even tried I haven’t a clue. With hearts involved there’s way too much to lose. I just want to love your memory tonight.

When I first laid eyes on you, you looked at me, and the stars lined up. So I thought I’d heard from God, and I gave it my best shot. Loving you was like throwing a lasso around a tornado. I tried to hold on to you. Took a ride on a tilt-a-whirl that sits on top of the world. Man, I thought I could show you. I’ve always been afraid of flying, but you can’t blame a girl for trying. 

thoughts from today..

i wish this world was full of chocolate and lollipops, puppies and kittens, happiness and charm, kisses and hugs, friendships and loves, families that care, kind people, helping hands, sunshine and springtime! no sadness or sickness, fighting or hurting, selfishness or heartache. but when i think about it, i realize i have an even better place i'm headed to after i leave this world...HEAVEN:)

heartbroken..

suicide and death has suddenly past by. illness has taken over loved ones of mine. drug addictions have torn my family apart. all of these things have caused strife and major depression problems. the innocent are left hurt. the people doing the hurting are loved so much by the rest of us. this world is sick and cruel. only God can mend my broken heart. i wouldn't make it without my Heavenly Father! even though this life can be tough and full of so much pain, i am still oh so very thankful for everything God has brought me through! He's holding my hand tightly the rest of the way until i land in the place of no more suffering.

WHY?

I feel like I'm sinking into a dark hole it's becoming more and more confusing. I feel like I've been torn into a million pieces just for people to walk all over. I feel as if I can't handle life, It's just too much for me. How depressing it is to think you can't keep up with everything going on around you! Makes me wonder if I'll be strong enough to make it through the rest of my life...I think my problem is that I'm trying to do it all by myself. My anxiety and chest pains are really getting to me these past couple weeks. :( I'm so sick of it!! WHY is all of this happening?? :(  UGHHH!!

what are you doing here?

why are you always around? i cannot seem to escape your spirit. you snap onto my head throughout my day. it could be when i wake up, when i'm in the shower, when i'm driving, or when i'm trying to fall asleep. i try to keep away, but it feels as if you were following me. i'm aware it is my fault. i'm letting you drag my heart around just like always. the worst feeling is when a friend let's me down or hurts my feelings, and all of these bad memories begin to hover over me and direct my mind. i cannot help it. i'm afraid to pursue my happiness. i feel that some event will bring about despair. if it's not him, then it will be about you. i would be trying to let two people carry my heart around and that is preposterous. will this ever disappear? it couldn't possibly go on forever. maybe someone new could make this go away. that would be amazing, but i doubt my story will end this way. firstly, i have to get my heart back and embrace it tightly. it does belong to me and i need remind myself of that frequently. oh, the things that can run through a girls mind in an hour...i just pray that i can forget about it long enough to count some sheep and get some sleep.

5 things we should all strive to do in life:

1. Keep a journal/diary.
It sounds like a very monotonous habit at first, but when you get into it, that little book will become a great way to organize your thoughts and track your growth over the years. Most of us already stay awake in bed at night pondering the events of the day anyways so why not document those thoughts in an organized fashion? That will allow you to look back and observe how your way of thinking has changed over time.2. Drink water.Hydration is tremendously important for overall health. Soda has absolutely ZERO nutritional content; it’s like pouring a bunch of sugar and syrup into your cup. Instead, fill it with life-replenishing water. It may taste plain at first if you’re coming off of a heavy soda-drinking streak, but you’ll soon find yourself addicted to it. 3. Be mysterious.Don’t let off everything about you and definitely leave out some major details. There is something both alluring and mesmerizing about someone that no one knows fully about. I’m not saying to confide in no one or to alienate yourself. Just think James Bond.4. Do what you love.There is a huge difference between making a life and making a living; which one are you making right now? So many spend their entire lives trying to make as much money as possible so that they can afford to do what they really want later. It makes no sense to settle in life until you’re 65 so that you can retire and do what you want when you’re already WAY past your prime. We only live life once so why wouldn’t you want to spend it pursuing your bliss? To do anything else would be a tragic waste of the freedom you are allowed if you are reading this right now. Follow your bliss and you will be a thousand times more happy than your retirement date and 40+ years younger.5. Choose your friends wisely.You are affected far more than you think by the people you spend your time with. Do your friends share your values? Do they encourage you when you speak of your goals and dreams? Make sure the people around you are conducive to the lifestyle you want to lead or you will find yourself being dragged again and again into behavior that distances you from your desires. Friends with a habit of producing negative thoughts will especially hinder you. Don’t let anyone get in the way of you being all that you can be.